Unemployment.

Along with knowing our careers will be shorter than most, dancers know one other thing going in: we won't make much money. Of course, everything is relative and varies from company size and location and such, but I am yet to personally know a dancer who feels "independently wealthy" simply from doing ballet. Even in the larger companies such as New York City Ballet, Houston Ballet and San Francisco Ballet (to name a few) where dancers are paid substantially more than the smaller companies around the country, high cost of living and higher tax rates come into play.

During times of temporary layoffs, most dancers collect government aid, better known as unemployment. Some people have hang-ups on this thereby they don't participate, but I view it as being the closest to government support for the arts that I am likely to see. (a colleague of mine once said this, and I stole it from her.) I don't take this assistance for granted, and I've always been extremely grateful for it.

Today, I saw a recently released movie that deals with people losing their jobs and being unsure about their futures. It made me think about my upcoming situation. For years, I have collected unemployment benefits with the knowledge that it was only for a short time. I have always had a "return to work date." In March, I will collect my last week of unemployment with a such known date. After that, I will collect for the reason that I am out of work.

At the moment, I'm not really frightened by this prospect, but it is a bit strange to think about. I will really need to be pounding the pavement the second I step foot in New York to find work. I spoke several entries before how lucky we are as dancers to have long and renewable contract seasons. Now, the fact that this will not be the case for me any longer is sinking in all over again and with a bit more intensity as May 9th draws ever closer.

Making Friends.

Friends are a vital part of who I am almost to a fault sometimes. There have been times in my life when I have cared too much what others think about me, and I have found my identity in the people I hang around with. In some situations I have allowed myself to be a doormat because I didn't want to be alone. In finally learning to be comfortable with myself and not get walked over, I am learning (from my mistakes) how to be a better friend.

A friend jogged my memory today by asking how long it took me to make friends in Kansas City. This made me try to remember the chronological order. When I arrived, I only knew a small handful of people. I knew the girl I've credited as being the one who "got me the job," and I knew a few people from school. On my first day here, I went into Walmart. I walked almost straight into a guy I had known from a summer program years before. "Matthew?" he asked. "Kansas City Ballet?" We quickly realized we were here for the same reason!

Thereby, most of my friendships began within the nuclear structure of my ballet family. Within the company, I became friends with a dancer who had a weekly "Writing Group" meeting. This was made up of dancers and non-dancers. She became the first to introduce me to people outside of the ballet. Things began to explode from then on.

Over the first and second year, I naturally expanded my reach from the walls of my job into the community. My closest friends were still in the company, and many of them are still some of my colleagues. I also began to work with another company in Kansas City as a guest artist. There I met a whole new community of artists.

All of these relationships have served me in wondrous ways over my years here, and I feel that overall, these friendships have been mutually beneficial. There have been extreme highs and extreme lows, and through them many of the people I have known here have become rocks in my life.

Why am I writing about this? Another frightening aspect of leaving my "home" is that I will be jumping into another pool. This time however, I already know even more people and have a family already in place. I don't take them for granted though. It's one thing to maintain long distance relationships with friends, but to suddenly throw myself onto their turf for good is another thing. I have no doubt that I will be welcomed with open arms, but still, I want to be sensitive to those around me. There will be adjustments to be made.

I am deeply saddened to be moving away from my Kansas City friends and family. In some areas, they watched me grow up more than immediate family over the past decade. I have always been good at staying in touch with people, but I am well aware that not everyone does this with such diligence as I. That's ok. I know that it isn't necessarily a reflection on our friendships, but the thought of losing touch with people makes me grieve.

I didn't know where this entry was going when I began writing it tonight. Now I do. It has begun to sink in for the first time tonight how profound this "good-bye" is. I hope that my friends and I will be able to stay in touch. I guess I'll find out soon enough.

Teaching.

Last night as I was getting ready to teach my usual Tuesday ballet class, one of my favorite students who is now in college was taking the class before mine. She has always been a hard worker and often takes as many classes as she can. Students such as this one are gems.

I asked her if she was going to stay for class, and she told me that she was going to go take another class instead. I flat-out guilt tripped her into taking mine (or at least the majority of it) by saying that it would probably be the last time she had my class. This was all in good fun naturally, but I was so happy she stayed.

I realize for myself that this is a reminder of how attached I have gotten to the kids I have had the pleasure of seeing on a weekly basis for years. Holding onto a favorite student is yet another way of trying to prolong the inevitable. It's not so much wanting to bring the kid "back into the nest" as it is trying to keep myself there where it is safe. I am scared to get pushed out and re-learn to fly.

It is exciting when I see students come back and take my class. It is the biggest honor to know that even with their new experiences, they still have regard for me and what I passed on. As selfish as it may be, I am happy that this student stayed. It always helps me push myself as a teacher when a former student returns.

New Experiences.

Today I learned of a theatre company that will be holding auditions in Kansas City this month. Here's the thing. It's of the non-musical variety. I emailed and was given an audition time. I have to prepare two contrasting monologues, and I couldn't be more thrilled.

I know I have tons to learn, but I believe in what I call the "sink or swim method." I want to jump into the deep end and take risks. I know that I need to get into more acting classes in order to really take hold of the technical aspects of straight theatre where I am less experienced. However, I know that I love what I do, and just like I did with dance, I want to push myself and see how far I can go. After all, an audition is another chance to perform! I'll have about four minutes to put on a mini show! Thereby, I'm going to get some coaching and go for it! At 5:10pm on Monday the 18th, I'll be performing two monologues. I'll be as ready as I can be, and I will have a wonderful time.

I am entering a completely different world than that which I am most comfortable. Why not?!? Why limit myself to just one type of theatre? In many ways I feel that I did that with dance. I was so focused in my training on ballet (mostly because that's all I had time for) that I didn't get as well versed as I now know would have been helpful in areas such as tap and jazz, and now I feel I'm playing catch up. Thereby, why not give straight theatre a try? Who knows? I could be good at it. I may not get the role, but the answer is always "No" to those who don't try.

A note from my past.

I found an old English assignment from around when I was about fifteen at NCSA, and I'd like to share it: (I've preserved it the way I wrote it then-corrected some spelling and punctuation but not any of the phrasing.)

I'm slowly realizing that dancing and being really good at it is hard and nearly impossible even for male dancers. When I was young and dancing, I knew that I would be doing amazing balletic stunts by the time I was sixteen. Now, I'm almost to that age, and I don't believe I'm quite at that level of achievement quite yet. Sure, I can do some tricks that I never believed I could, but I'm learning that there's more to it than that. I am now focusing on the refinement of the movement and the quality of it. I want to dance from my heart because I know that no matter how many turns I can do or how high I can jump, I will never be a true dancer without the passion. I believe that this knowledge is lost so much, especially in the dance department here. This is because we compete with each other too much. Competition is healthy. We need to learn to compete with ourselves. If we can do this (we the dancers and everyone for that matter,) we will no longer be clones to this stereotypical image that I created for myself at age eleven.


I think perhaps I wasn't too far off the mark back then in 1996. It's nice to find gentle and blunt reminders of the ideals I had way back when. I will use this as inspiration as I push onward.

So long Christmas.

I procrastinated long enough. I had my Christmas decorations up earlier than I have in years and I took them down later than ever. The tree is still standing and a friend will haul it away and use it for kindling. (how symbolic...) Just as I have been doing with everything this holiday season, I really wanted to savor my last Christmas in my loft. Five weeks seems to be all that I can allow myself to live in the winter wonderland-it's time to move on.

It was difficult putting my ornaments and other odds and ends away. In the past, I would loosely pack them and shove them in my closet, but this time, I taped the boxes shut with duct tape. To be dramatic, it felt as if I was sealing a time capsule or a crypt of some sort. Ten years of Kansas City memories were laid to rest to be resurrected in a different place.

In placing the boxes in my closet, I began to come across things such as old shoes and clothes that I will be needing to gather to take to the thrift store-it's happening!! Yikes! As the ball fell on Times Square, I visualize that it bounced and began rolling after me Indiana Jones-style.

I am deeply saddened by this being my last Christmas here, but there is a new day about to dawn. l am looking forward to the holidays in New York or wherever I may be at this time next year. Time to get to work.

Happy New Year.

Another decade has gone by. It has been the most eventful in my life so far. It really is amazing how much can be packed into ten years, and just like that, they're gone. It reminds me of how short and special life is.

I spent New Years Eve in a new way for myself. I was the "coat-check guy" (as I became known) in the VIP section of a party. My friend owns a lovely restaurant in town, and was kind enough to hire me to help at this large scale event. Having never been very good at quick math, I was a bit nervous when I learned that I would be in charge of the money at my station. Of course, it's not that hard to add and subtract, but when you have people in droves handing-no practically throwing their coats at you for an hour and a half, it can be a bit nerve wracking! It all worked out fine, and my room didn't lose a single coat. Phew!

When things had calmed down, I had time to sit and reflect while I people-watched. I confess, I was a bit lonely sitting by myself looking at people enjoying themselves, but I kept thinking, "Keep your eye on the prize, Matthew. This may not your New Years celebration, but it is your new year." I'm making a change-a huge one. I wonder if that's going to be a tradition? Every ten years, change. I think I like that. I like ten year chunks of time. It's an even number and it goes well with my self diagnosed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

A few of the party goers interactions with me really caught my attention. Early on, one gentleman thanked me "for doing this tonight." A couple others were concerned if I would get to have "a real toast." Another even poured me some of her champagne to make sure. It was kind of these people to acknowledge me and the fact that I too am a person. I had to giggle a bit on the inside though because while they seemed to be pitying me, it was my choice to be there! And, I was happily taking their money!

To me, it just goes to show how much we take people for granted. I didn't see a single guest in that room who I knew and as far as I know, no one knew who I am/was. I don't mean that to sound snobbish, but it's true! As long as I'm in Kansas City, a large part of my identity is defined by being a member of the Kansas City Ballet. I was on stage less than a week before performing in front of thousands, and now I was taking coats.

I have always tried to be cognisant of people in positions of service. Being one of them myself, I find it interesting to see how poorly people treat others especially when they think they are above them. Personally, I find joy in taking people's coats, in waiting tables, in serving others. Honestly, I find more joy in the reflective time afterwards, because during it can be stressful, but I know this will get easier with time.

No matter what my job is at the moment, I want to be the best at it that I can be-no matter if I'm on stage or in a coat check room. It was humbling to realize yet again how much my tiny ounce of "fame" is fleeting, but it was still ok. My mind was focused, my senses were sharp, and I felt proud to play my part in a different kind of cast on a different type of stage. Trust me, if I find myself staying in that "company" for a while, I'll work my way up the ladder just as I have in my current profession. That's not ego speaking. It's just me knowing my own drive and potential.

I had a great New Years Eve. Perhaps it was "My" New Years celebration after all.