Who Cares?

The audition went well today. We learned the lead man's variation, and I have to say, I'm pretty sure I looked good at it. It's exactly the kind of dancing that I love to do, and I also had the comfort of having learned the part in my past. I was able to add style and character and enjoy it right away. (I think my technique stayed on par as well.) I usually don't say something like this unless I know I did well.

So, naturally, I didn't get that part. Oh well! Once more, I look at it as preparation for the many auditions I'm going to have to do once I move to New York. Oh, but was it fun to dance! I let myself perform for anyone who cared to watch.

There are still five other corps-guy spots in the piece who dance a lot, so my hopes aren't shattered just yet. We'll cross that bridge when it comes.

Today may have been a flop from the standpoint of getting the "gig" or not, but personally, it was a success.

(Note to the universe: I'm willing to NOT get used to these "personal successes." I'm willing to have the opportunity to get used to actually getting the cast! Just putting it out there.)

My last KC Ballet Audition.

Tomorrow, we will begin rehearsing for George Balanchine's ballet set to Gershwin music "Who Cares?" This was the first Balanchine ballet I ever danced, and I performed it when I was at the School of the Arts in tenth grade. It is fun and jazzy.

I just realized today that this is the last "audition" process I will ever go through with this company. I will find out by the end of the week (hopefully sooner) whether I will be in the piece or not, and of course I would love to do the work, but I count my blessings for what I am doing right now. I haven't had a show as great as the one I'm going to dance later this month in years.

It's eerie to think that around this time in the Spring of 2000, I was frantically putting together the video audition that would land me this job. Tomorrow, I will once more give it my best shot to try to impress one last time. It's all coming up so fast, and I'm not sure what will happen, but I guess I'll try to be happy with my situation regardless of the casting. I should just learn to from the title of the piece and simply say, "Who cares?!?"

I can completely give in to the final months after this ballet gets cast and enjoy my last days here. I'm looking forward to all of them.

Posture.

For many years, I have been told that I have good posture. Often, I've had people ask me to "please slouch" because it makes them uncomfortable how straight I stand, sit or otherwise carry myself. Well, lest they think that I am perfect, I will point out something that I've discovered of late that I need to correct.

Dancers at rest, stand on two feet, but they usually have their weight distributed to one foot or the other with their feet semi-turned out. I have learned that this is NOT how most "normal" people stand! It's actually driving me a bit coo-coo as I have become aware of it recently! When I force myself to stand with my weight equally distributed between both feet with them slightly spread apart and parallel, I am so uncomfortable, I'm almost in pain.

I am enjoying this challenge. I consider it a "character study" of sorts. I've been made aware of something so natural about the people around me that I had never really noticed before. It's fun to make discoveries. Even if they are simple ones.

Run number one.

Today we ran "The Moor's Pavane" in costume for the first time since we began combing through all of the details. I can tell this is going to be even more special of an experience than I had imagined. I am discovering how far simplicity can go in playing the villain. It's delicious! I must say though that after I play this role I always feel that I need to take a bath. The character is absolutely slimy! The best way to describe him is as a foul smell that creeps up on you. I have a quote that I'd like to share that has really helped me as I've been working on Iago. My friend who is playing Amelia (Iago's wife/pawn) is the one who found it and gave it to me.

The great nineteenth-century actor Booth wrote about playing Iago: "To portray Iago properly you must seem to be what all the characters think, and say, you are, not what the spectators know you to be; try to win even them by your sincerity. Don't act the villain, don't look it, or speak it, (by scowling and growling, I mean), but think it all the time. Be genial, sometimes jovial, always gentlemanly. Quick in motion as in thought; lithe and sinuous as a snake."

It's my goal to accomplish a portrayal of the role that encompasses this guidance. I love the challenge!

Cherished friends.

It's the people you meet and the memories you make with them that will carry you through life. I believe this with all of my heart. Tonight, my visiting friend and I were the guests of two dear ballet supporters (to be more clear, they're overall arts, life and practically EVERYTHING supporters.) They have always been so generous and kind, and I have loved the moments I have spent with them.

I am touched by the gift of hospitality that some people have. These gentlemen are no exception to that rule. I strive to be like them. They can make you feel comfortable and cared for, and I always leave feeling inspired and more intelligent than when I walked in.

How does this fit into the subject of my "retirement?" It's simple. Leaving a job isn't just that. After being in a place as long as I have, leaving my job also means saying "farewell" (or at least "see you later") to the people who have helped to craft my memories and personal development in this home. When I look back over my career, there are a handful people who I can call "angels" for lack of a better word. They have taken me under their wing and have supported me not only by coming to see shows, but also by taking an interest in my life on a personal level. I always love to get to know who people are and identify them by their personalities-not simply by what they do. I love it when others share this same interest in me.

Sometimes in life people such as my friends from this evening are given to us, but sometimes we have to seek them out. "Seeking" isn't an actual practice. To me, one can seek by opening oneself up and being receptive to the kindness of others. This said, it takes two people to maintain a relationship. When/if kind people are brought into our lives, we need to not just accept their kindness but actively participate and learn from them. I would be honored to learn to be a gracious gentleman like these friends.

Their tutelage has been every bit as important to my growth as a human on this journey as the classes, rehearsals and performances I was privileged to have during my time in the company.

Revisiting.

Wow. What an experience it is reworking Iago. It may be one of the most tiring things I've done all season. It's completely different for me this time, and I can already tell that I'm making new discoveries as I hoped I would. I am loving interacting with my cast mates and discovering all the nuances of the work. I am really loving working with my partner. She gives me so much to play off of, and I am almost intimidated by her excellence. I love that challenge.

I know I have spoken of not enjoying the "process" that is rehearsing, but this time, I'm loving it. I know that this may be due to the fact that this is almost more of a play than a ballet, but no matter what it is classified as, I'm still in the company and thrilled to be enjoying one of my last "processes."

The process of getting cast in a role in a ballet company is different every time. In our company, we often have auditions of sorts where everyone gets a chance to be seen for a couple of days (or sometimes more) before the casting in narrowed down. Even once it has been, there can sometimes be more people learning the role than casting can permit to actually perform it.

The first time doing the part I was heavily focused first on simply getting the part. That always takes a lot of energy and stamina. This time, I've known for a while that I have the role. To be clear, this doesn't mean I have had a false sense of confidence, but it has helped me relax and focus only on the work at hand and not focus on whether someone is going to get the part over me. It's a nice feeling, but it gives me much more time to stress over the part.

Now, that "stress" is what I live for. It's fascinating, as I said yesterday, to see the role taking a different shape as I strip away the affectations and preconceived notions that I had of the part. I hope the character will continue to grow and mold itself to me. I feel that as long as my choices are clear, the story will be told, and that's the important part.

I am so lucky to get another shot at this.

Acting.

Recreating a role such as Iago is an amazing experience. Today, we began the tedious but wonderful process of adding the details and motivation to the steps we had learned over the last couple of weeks for "The Moor's Pavane." I became quickly aware of how I was fabricating what I remembered from the last time I played the part rather than beginning again. To get an authentic feeling from a role such as this, I need to simplify, simplify, simplify. Less truly is more. The strange thing is that I didn't realize that I wasn't being authentic until it was pointed out. I really do try to be aware of these things. Thank goodness I don't have to try to direct myself.

Here's a comparison. Have you ever noticed how when a macaroni noodle is left overnight in water it can swell to be extra large? The normal size of the pasta was lovely to see and eat when it was first cooked, but the next day, the swollen left over noodle in the pot looks kind of gross.

This is kind of how acting can be. I was pleased with my portrayal of Iago a few seasons ago. That memory has sat in my head-not unlike the noodle left in the water. Now, if I pull the same Iago out of my memory and attempt to play him again, it isn't as appealing. It isn't the same attractive product that it was the last time. It is swollen, mushy and overdone.

Perhaps this is an odd way to explain this, but I think it makes sense. Today we began to strip away the junk and work on pulling new things out of the character. I was more tired by the end of the day from my mental activity than I was from the massive amounts of physical activity I did last week! Funny how that can happen! I am bubbling with enthusiasm to get back into the studio and continue making discoveries. I am also thrilled by the passion and energy that my cast members are putting into their roles.