Sharing roles.

I think I've discovered something I won't miss-at least for a while. Usually, there are at least two casts of each ballet that we perform. This means that you share a role with someone else. This gives more people a chance to get on stage which is a good thing especially since we only do five performances per series.

What I won't miss about this is the tension it creates. Even under the best of circumstances in which both artists are supportive and generous of one another's opportunity to dance a part, I feel that competition between them on some level is inevitable. We all get attached to our roles-our way of doing it. It's only natural given how passionate we are about our job. Sometimes our drive becomes unhealthily though. I don't like the feeling this creates in me. I don't like questioning whether I am as good as the other person. More than that, I hate watching the rift that it sometimes puts between artists. Even in a company as close and familial as ours, we can sometimes be nasty with one another when we have to share parts.

I have always tried to keep myself in check in this regard and make sure that I am being gracious, generous and supportive with whomever I am sharing with. But that said, I will be glad not to worry about split casting for a while.

Focus Matthew. Focus.

Our Winter show opens two weeks from tomorrow. Oh boy. I'm excited and nervous. I still feel that I'm making more mistakes in rehearsals than I want to, and we basically have only one more week in the studio after this one before going into the theatre. It's strange how things come to be. Sometimes, it seems as though we over-rehearse ballets and peak too early in the process. This time, it doesn't quite seem that way.

Hey, here's yet another challenge! I'll choose to look at this as a parallel to the times when I'll be learning a show quickly before putting it on stage in my next career. That happens a lot more often in theatre than in ballet.

I know that we will be fine and the performances will be great. That's one of the things I love about performing artists. We love what we do so much, and we are extremely aware that it is our butts that will be judged once we're on stage. We pull together and in the case of my company, we support one another. It makes things all the more pleasant. I feel that this show will be a rewarding one, and I'm looking forward to it.

Discovery.

Today, we ran "The Moor's Pavane," and it felt like a successful one. I believe we're beginning to gel together as a cast. I love this place in the process. At the beginning of the run, a colleague (and friend) of mine came into the studio to watch. I was excited and nervous for her to see the piece for the first time. As we began, suddenly, and briefly, I became aware that I was conscious of her being our audience. Fortunately, I quickly blocked that awareness, and I was able to continue on in character.

I honestly believe that theatre is (or at least should be) first and foremost for the entertainment of the audience. As and actor/dancer/human, naturally I always know that the audience is there. However, thinking back to today's experience, I began to come to a realization of one of the differences between dance and acting. Note: this piece is much more acting than dancing. It's a "walking ballet."

Rarely in my career have I been in story ballets other than the Nutcracker. Most of the works I have performed have been plotless art. This is not a negative statement in any way. It is simply the nature of "concert dance." When doing these kinds of pieces, one can be oneself and interpret a part as such. Often, in this kind of ballet, the "fourth wall" is broken, meaning the artist actually may communicate with those in the house, i.e. smiling directly at them and eye contact with audience members.

As an actor, one needs to remain in character and be a part of the story that the audience is looking into. There are exceptions to this of course, but often, unless the piece is being done in narrative form, the actor will communicate only with his/her other actors to tell the story. Only when this seems real can it be a success for the audience member. If it isn't real to the actor, it won't be real to the audience.

Today, as I allowed myself to forget the "audience," I was able to tell the story fully. I was able to believe it myself, and thereby, fortunately, it worked. I think this is what I love most about acting. I get to tell a story to the audience. I get to take them somewhere else. I get to be someone I'm not. In this case, I get to be "creepy," as my friend said.

Well, great then. That's what I was going for.

Senioritis.

I'm starting to have my panic attacks again. There is such a rush of adrenaline coursing through me at all times. I can't sleep well. I'm overwhelmed and anxious, and at the same time, I'm excited and inspired. Once again I'll state how this feels like the time when I was about to come here-leaving everything I knew behind and beginning from scratch. The main difference is that then I had a definite job ahead of me. There was a paycheck to be had. Well, I suppose I'll look at unemployment as my paycheck to be had this time! At least there's that.

I'm beginning to feel the strange sensation of being pulled in two directions. I want to be close to the people I'm around, but yet I want to distance myself so that "good-bye" won't be as painful. It makes me sick to my stomach.

In the meantime, I continue to pour myself into my work and the gym. Both will hopefully continue to help me disperse my energy into positive places. Oh, what a journey.

Exhausted.

This was a tiring but rewarding week. Normally, I feel that I've been trying to hold onto every moment, but I'm okay with these moments being behind me. It wasn't a bad week by any means, but there are some times when my body feels just too sore to go on. Perhaps I'll have some days/weeks like this in the theatre world, but I'd be surprised if there are as many. Theatre seems to ebb and flow a bit more. Even if a show is physically demanding, for me, the hardest time is the learning process. Once I'm in a groove and my body knows what to expect, I'm good to go. The balletic learning process is killer because we learn and rehearse for so long before getting to the stage. I never really feel that I get in a rhythmic flow.

Who knows, perhaps I'll find that I am totally off the mark. As I've always stated, I am perfectly fine with finding out that I am wrong with my preconceived notions on my new path. I should just focus on getting there first and then find out what it's like.

Brain overload.

I have no idea how dancers in large companies such as the New York City Ballet keep so many ballets in their heads and bodies at the same time! Today we were working to retrieve a piece that was made on us in the Fall but won't be performed until the Spring. It's laughable how short term my memory is.

I feel all over the map while we are doing this. We are learning "Who Cares?" which doesn't go up until May, but we still have a lot of work to do on the show we're performing at the end of this month. On top of that, I have to somehow manage to find time to begin thinning out all of my stuff in order to get ready to move out of my apartment. To say that I'm frazzled would be an immense understatement. Of course, I love a challenge, so I plan to rise to the occasion.

All I keep finding myself wanting to do is soak up time with my friends. I guess that's ok-no, I know that is ok. I'm going to miss them so much.

It should be evident to anyone reading this post, that today, I am all over the place mentally.

Full Circle.

I cannot think of a choreographer whose works I have enjoyed dancing more than George Balanchine. He is the man who created what is now the New York City Ballet. (in case any readers don't know of him.) He transformed the world of ballet with his neo-classical approach to the form. He made works that are still relevant today many years after their creation. I have had the honor of dancing in several over my career.

Along with loving to dance these pieces, I also love to watch them. Fortunately, it seems that I won't have to watch the next one we're doing in May. I spoke yesterday and the day before about the "audition process" for "Who Cares?" Today, we began learning the dance "Biding My Time" which is danced by five men, and I have a spot in it. I am thrilled. I'm in the ballet.

Of course one always dreams of dancing the lead role in a work, but this time, I am tickled at the idea of getting to dance in this corps section. This was the first Balanchine ballet I ever performed fourteen years ago as a student. Now, I'll get to go out on it. It will be the last thing I do on stage with the Kansas City Ballet. The music, the choreography, the energy of the piece are all not only crowd pleasers, but they are also dancer pleasers in my book.

George Balanchine spoke of being able to "See the music and hear the dance." His choreography makes the audience ever able to do just that. I love it.

By doing this piece, I will be able to perform it as an homage of sorts to my teacher, Melissa Hayden, who while I've expressed wasn't my favorite, definitely gave me my first taste of this style. I am honored and thrilled to get to say "goodbye" to Balanchine with one of my favorite of his works.