Replaceable.

One thing I have tried to keep in check for myself along the way during my career is the sense of entitlement that is so easy for dancers to fall into. Somehow we forget despite our talent, so many factors go into giving someone a place in the company. I don't believe we really even realize how much we take our jobs for granted at times. I believe it stems from having fragile egos and loving what we do at the same time, but it's one of the personality quirks that I don't like about dancers(including myself.)

Throughout my career, I have kept myself in check by remembering that I can be replaced. I may have spoken to this effect previously, but today it is fresh in my mind again. I know that I have brought enjoyment to audiences over the years, and I feel that I have brought much to the table during my years of work. I know that individual artistry takes time to harvest, but I also know that there will be hundreds of excited young men when they find out that there is an opening at the Kansas City Ballet. I'm excited for them.

As I am stepping away, I feel proud that I can give someone this opportunity. It will be their turn. I have no way of knowing all of the ins and outs of how my job offer came to be, and neither will my replacement, but I do hope that my job is filled by someone who is eager and not easily dragged down by a premature sense of entitlement. Yes, we as dancers have worked hard to get where we are, but we must never forget how lucky we are to get our jobs.

Motivational Issues.

As I move into the "Nutcracker season," I have found myself feeling a bit down the last couple of days. I've wanted to do little more than watch movies and sleep. I am not a person who is usually lazy, but right now I'm having somewhat of a hard time motivating myself to do anything.

I think I pinpointed the issue today. Over the last month or so, I had so much momentum. I was working on the website, getting my business cards printed, making contacts for my visit to New York, doing my Fall show, etc. Now, I think I'm simply worn out. This makes me nervous because I know that I have so much more to do, but more than that I am getting more and more uneasy about this change. It is important for me to allow myself to acknowledge nerves such as this as they arise.

When making a life alteration such as this one, I imagine it is only natural to go through peaks and valleys emotionally and in the motivation department. I know I need to try not to worry about it too much and let it run its course. I know I'm not lazy. I know that I have what it takes to get myself through this. Most of all, I know that I need to breathe and try to relax into all of it. As I've said, this change coming-ready or not. I know I'll be ready, but as someone who is a control freak, it's difficult for me when I feel I'm at a pause. Time to find that second wind.

Kansas City Holidays.

There really is something special about the first place you call "home." Kansas City has been where I feel I have done much of my true "growing up" because it was the first place where I was on my own.

There are many things I like about this city, but my favorite time of the year is about to be here. There is something special about Christmas in Kansas City. I can't put my finger on it. I simply love it, and I will most definitely miss this time of the year the most when I leave. Mind you, I realize that I am going to be living in one of the most festive cities in the world, but Kansas City has a unique blend of urban energy with a close to home mid-western flare.

I must confess that I have finally let go of some of my inner "Grinch" when it comes to the holidays. I used to almost get angry at the thought of anything to do with Christmas before Thanksgiving. Bah Humbug!! I still find it strange that this year the two holiday radio stations began airing "Jingle Bells" the day after Halloween, but I'm okay with it this time. Like I've said before, I want to soak up everything I have loved about this place for as long as I can. Thereby, if I choose to listen to carols for two months straight, so be it! This is my season!

Happy Holidays everyone!

College Degree.

My parents had an interesting way of looking at "higher education." They seemed to believe in the journey more than the end result. When it came to whether or not to go to college, they were never hell-bent on it being a "must do." They supported me pursuing any means it took to get me to my individual end. They always said that one needed to find his or her own path to get wherever they needed to go. If college is what it takes, go to college. If trade school, go to trade school. For me, performing arts high school did the trick.(so far.)

A weird thing began to happen about three and four years into my career with the ballet. My childhood friends began graduating from college. It was a difficult thing for me to grasp at that time because in a way I felt left out, but it was much easier to shrug it off since I felt on top of the world having already completed four seasons supporting myself and living alone practically unaided by my parents.

That was several years ago. Now, as I embark on this next phase, I have been having some slight(and I do mean slight) anxiety issues surrounding my lack of higher education. While I do have a few college credits to under my belt, I decided early on that if I were ever to do school, I would want to do it all at once. I have no interest in the twenty year plan. It works for some dancers, but for someone with a short attention span who isn't the biggest fan of school, I would need to completely immerse myself in it in order to succeed. Sometimes now that my ballet company career is winding down, I feel nervous about the future from an educational stand point. I've often joked that one needs a degree these days in order to get a job bagging groceries! A resume that states that I danced the role of "Blue Bird" in "Sleeping Beauty" isn't much help compared to "4.0 from Chapel Hill" when it comes to booking a job in the "real world."

I spent much of my life saying "I'm never going to college," but now that I'm looking ahead I need to state how much respect(and a small bit of jealousy) I have for those who have degrees.

The flip side of this whole issue is that I need to point out that I work with and have met some of the most intelligent people in this field and many of us have the "no college degree" thing in common. In a world that looks down on people for such a thing as this, I am honored to be able to buck the system! In a way, not going to school is another way that dancers sacrifice "normality" in order to pursue our passion. Of course there are always exceptions to the rule and I work with a couple of people who have college degrees. Sometimes I'm REALLY jealous of them!

I guess the point of this rambling entry is to point out that we all have different ways of taking our journeys, and I need to be confident in the path I've chosen. I applaud my parents for allowing me to pick my own route, and I encourage other parents to do the same for their kids. For now I'll keep trusting that I've picked the correct path for myself.

Drosselmeyer.

When I was about twelve, I was in my first production of "The Nutcracker." I was a child in the "Party Scene" of the first act. I had my first small taste of the limelight, for I was interviewed by my small community's news paper. This is one of the earliest memories I have of wanting to do more than steps-wanting to tell a story. When asked to describe my role, instead of stating it as most would-a child in the party scene, I said, "I'm not actually the boy who breaks the Nutcracker, Fritz is, but I play Fritz's best friend." That was me making something out of a chorus role at an early age.

In that production, I fell in love with a role. That was the role of Herr Drosselmeyer. Drosselmeyer is the mysterious, somewhat kooky inventor/magician who gives his goddaughter, Clara the Nutcracker. When I was a young boy, I would get so excited to watch how one particular actor turned dancer would portray the role. He had such a fun and whimsical way of playing him, and I swore that one day I would try to play this part.

About eight years ago, one of the best Drosselmeyers I have ever seen in a professional company stepped down at the beginning of the season. I was about twenty-one or so, but I did something that I've only done once in my career. I asked for a part. I expressed to our ballet master that I would be interested in learning Drosselmeyer. I said that it was the part I had wanted to play since I was a child, and even if they thought I was too young looking, the chance to learn it for the future would be welcomed. Lucky for me, they put me on. Ever since, I have had this part in Nutcracker to look forward to every year.

I was given a gift. My leaders took a chance by giving me this part. I was also one of the last Drosselmeyers at the Kansas City Ballet to be coached by one of the foremost experts in balletic theatrical storytelling, Todd Bolender. He picked the role to pieces and opened Dross(as we call him) up to a world of possibilities for me. He said things such as, "Dear! When you're doing this part, think of being a great bird! Use your cape to fly across the stage!" As with many actor/coach scenarios, I had already set Dross in a certain way in my mind, and Todd came in, and together we stripped the character down and built him back up.

To this day, I do the role similarly to when he coached me because it simply works. I find new ways to keep it fresh, and with live theatre one has to naturally adapt to unexpected things on stage. When "surprises" arise on stage, I welcome them as gifts. I love having to make spur of the moment decisions(as long as it isn't something that I feel gets in the way of my storytelling!) Admittedly, I have had my share of angry moments for things not going right! That's showbiz folks!

Yesterday we had our first Drosselmeyer rehearsal. We have two new dancers going on this year. I felt a sense of pride to be the veteran and watch them begin to discover the character as we worked. I look forward to sharing what I know with them. It is one way for me to keep the memory of Mr. Bolender alive.

I don't expect everyone to have the same obsession as I have had with this role. We all have different parts of our lives and careers that are exciting and serious to us. Nevertheless, I know that by passing the torch,I will be able to live vicariously through the portrayals of Drosselmeyers yet to come as I say farewell to a character who has gone from being a childhood dream of mine to a dear friend.

It's a personal journey.

I've spoken a bit about this before, but I've been thinking today about how personal "retiring" from this field really is. Since making this decision for myself, I have really been hyper aware of others in the field and how and when they decide to take this step. It fascinates me. I've seen everything from finishing after four years to suddenly being offered a job and announcing two days later that they're taking it.

I have to say that one perspective that I can allow myself to be a bit jealous of(sometimes) is the dancer who gets to dance until they're in their forties. Holy smokes! The natural ability and focus that it takes to maintain ones craft and have a lengthy career such as that baffles me. I happily raise a glass to anyone who is able to do so.

A piece of advice that I would offer a young dancer would be to dance as long as he or she can. More importantly, dance as long as it fulfills them and makes them happy. I will have danced ten seasons, and I am thrilled to be exiting still feeling that I love this job. I would never want to stop because I was sick of it or unhappy.

There is no right or wrong time to retire. Those of us who get to do it in our own timing and on our own terms are definitely lucky and unfortunately not always the norm. It is such an individual choice, and I hope that my writing these many entries will help dancers feel that this isn't just a scary part of the career but an exciting part.

Whatever the reason for dancers finishing their runs as company artists, injury, the desire to have a family, wanting to do something else, you name it, it is my wish that they will come to know that this career and training-no matter how long it lasts, has prepared us for so much to come. We really are a special breed.

Another nostalgic moment.

I am continually learning that I have no way of knowing when my emotions are going to sneak up on me during this phase! Today, my last rehearsal was for a section in "The Nutcracker" that involves all the men. Only four dance at a time, but we were all in rehearsal together. When the music began, I almost had to fight back tears! I managed of course. I'm ever the model of machismo.(feel free to chuckle.)

Here's the thing. The annual first rehearsal of this section is quite an entertaining experience. Picture a group of grown men acting like kids. We all give one another a hard time, whoop it up and it actually becomes a game of sorts. Of course we get our work accomplished, but overall it's a low stress rehearsal that can be as fun as we choose to make it. Today was fun.

In these rehearsals I've always played a game where I try to see how many times I can make the "newbies" dance the part(there are three casts usually) before I actually have to do it. I've done the part so many times, so never fear, this isn't an act of defiance on my part! It's actually quite fun, and we usually get a laugh out of it. Today, one of the new guys tried to beat me at my own game and see how much he could get me on the floor. Ultimately, I won, but I admire his efforts and his spunk!

It is so much fun for me to watch as the new dancers take over the company and make it their own. Thinking back over the years during this rehearsal, I was able to reminisce about the great times I have had with my male colleagues. We are a strange batch of fellows. We're the ones who withstood the ridicule from our ignorant peers in elementary school(and sometimes even until this day believe it or not.) We didn't pay attention to the bullies. We laughed at stereotypes and chose to follow our dreams. Today was much more than a rehearsal and a chance to goof off for me. It was in a way another "Goodbye" to something that I didn't even realize I would miss. I stand corrected. Thanks for the great times guys. You'll always be a bunch of "Buffoons" to me!