It was good.

Last weekend's visit to Kansas City proved to be exactly what I needed. The company looks wonderful, my friends were welcoming and I was able to yet again solidify that I made the right decision for myself by "retiring." I found myself wondering if it would be as easy to watch my former company perform and remain sure of my decision as I am able to do when watching New York City Ballet, ABT or any other ballet company that I have gotten to see while in New York. I was worried that perhaps since those companies really held no part of my past, it is easier to watch them and not want to be up there, but if I saw the company I used to be a part of, I would be sad and miss it.

Not a chance.

I don't wish for this to come off as cold. I couldn't have more respect for my former company that gave me such a wonderful life for the past decade, but I am ever encouraged by the fact that I have moved on! It's so tough up here, and at times I have caught myself going, "Gee, do I miss having my old job with health insurance, a union contract that I helped put in place and a decent paycheck!" But what I now realize from that statement is that those things are all non-artistic. They aren't what comprise my love for what I have done or am attempting to do. I am flat out nervous about the fact that it's expensive to live up here and I don't have a performing job that I want yet, but that doesn't stop the fact that other than the friends I'm missing and my life and home in Kansas City, I have made the right move for myself. I must be doing something right because I've done something really stupid from a financial standpoint! I've left a job without having another one lined up! I must really be sure about things! Hoorah!

I can't help but think (and maybe I've said this before) about the stories I have heard about people being completely devastated after losing their job only to find out that it was the best thing to ever happen to them. It allowed them to find and realize their true passion. Ballet was and in some ways always will be a true passion of mine, but as an ever evolving human, it's time to find the next. I think I've found it. Now, let's make it pay! In the meantime, I'm going to keep pushing and be thankful for the opportunities I've had and connections I've made in less than six months of being in the city. Not too shabby. I'm extremely grateful.

Home again.

"I got to Kansas City on a Friday. By Saturday I'd learned a thing or two...." That song was going through my mind as I arrived in Kansas City last night. I am here to see the Fall season opening of my former company. It's wild to think that I've been now writing this blog for over a year. The things I have been through have been both remarkable and at times frightening. This weekend however is a celebration. I am here to support my friends and see first hand that life really does go on. I was completely calm as I drove my rental into the city. No regrets at all. I've moved on, but my memories are overall wonderful.

What an honor.

Tonight, Petrouchka closed at the Duke Theatre on 42nd Street after three well received performances. We hosted the largest crowds the Duke Theatre had ever seen for a single performance, and we sold out two out of three of our shows. I am thrilled that I had the chance to perform in a new and exciting piece. I hope that it opens doors for my director/choreographer who had put over nine years into the production. I can only imagine what a mix of emotions he must be feeling at the completion of this, his dream.

To me, NYMF makes a statement. To be chosen for the festival takes a great deal of determination and confidence. Some of these shows may be the great shows of tomorrow. Whether mine will or will not be is not important to me. Yes. I would love for it to transfer to something greater. I can't tell you how amazing that would be. However, the drive and commitment that everyone put into making this show possible taught me so much. It reminded me that art is still more than a paycheck. It is the chance to transport lives. I find that it is easy to lose sight of that, and I hope that I will continually be brought back to the reality of why it is that I do what I do. I love to dance/act/perform.

There it is. I accept it.

Petrouchka is here.

Tomorrow is opening night for the NY Musical Theatre Festival's production of "Petrouchka!" I'm excited to be a part of the show, and things are coming along nicely. I think we're ready. The director/choreographer seems pleased and calm, and the cast is really coming together with good energy. It has been a challenging process for me as I have been working on moving in another way, but it reminds me that I need to trust that I have good training and the ability to adapt. At times I have to remember to ignore the demons in the back of my mind of people in my past that made me feel inadequate at picking up different styles. I feel lucky that I was given the chance to stretch myself and begin to make a new impression of myself on the minds of other choreographers and dancers. So, here goes! I'm going to enjoy myself and feel grateful for the opportunity to perform on 42nd Street in the heart of Times Square!