Last weekend's visit to Kansas City proved to be exactly what I needed. The company looks wonderful, my friends were welcoming and I was able to yet again solidify that I made the right decision for myself by "retiring." I found myself wondering if it would be as easy to watch my former company perform and remain sure of my decision as I am able to do when watching New York City Ballet, ABT or any other ballet company that I have gotten to see while in New York. I was worried that perhaps since those companies really held no part of my past, it is easier to watch them and not want to be up there, but if I saw the company I used to be a part of, I would be sad and miss it.
Not a chance.
I don't wish for this to come off as cold. I couldn't have more respect for my former company that gave me such a wonderful life for the past decade, but I am ever encouraged by the fact that I have moved on! It's so tough up here, and at times I have caught myself going, "Gee, do I miss having my old job with health insurance, a union contract that I helped put in place and a decent paycheck!" But what I now realize from that statement is that those things are all non-artistic. They aren't what comprise my love for what I have done or am attempting to do. I am flat out nervous about the fact that it's expensive to live up here and I don't have a performing job that I want yet, but that doesn't stop the fact that other than the friends I'm missing and my life and home in Kansas City, I have made the right move for myself. I must be doing something right because I've done something really stupid from a financial standpoint! I've left a job without having another one lined up! I must really be sure about things! Hoorah!
I can't help but think (and maybe I've said this before) about the stories I have heard about people being completely devastated after losing their job only to find out that it was the best thing to ever happen to them. It allowed them to find and realize their true passion. Ballet was and in some ways always will be a true passion of mine, but as an ever evolving human, it's time to find the next. I think I've found it. Now, let's make it pay! In the meantime, I'm going to keep pushing and be thankful for the opportunities I've had and connections I've made in less than six months of being in the city. Not too shabby. I'm extremely grateful.