Thanksgiving 2010

My roommate and I hosted our first New York Thanksgiving gathering! It went off without a hitch, and everyone seemed to really enjoy it! It was a strange one for me being that it was the first one I've spent outside of Kansas City in many years. It also hit me how quickly a year goes by. I was looking at my pictures from last years dinner, and I remembered the day as if it was yesterday. I really miss the people from that chapter of my life. It's strange how we all lose touch in many ways, and suddenly it's over half a year since I've seen some of them.

Today marks my half year mark to the day of my move here. It has been a wonderful experience so far. I'm getting ready to jump into my Nutcracker performances. I can hardly believe that I will be on stage again shortly doing strict ballet. I am excited as well as a bit nervous, but I can't wait to see how the shows go. I am thrilled to get back on stage again.

I have many things to be thankful for on this day, and I am lucky that more and more things keep coming my way. I don't take them for granted-don't worry.

A new chapter.

I'm getting antsy to get this-well at least the first big chunk of this into book form. I am excited, and I already am beginning to see where I want it to go next! I had a wonderful time speaking with another "retired" dancer tonight, and it is fascinating to hear what she has done post ballet. I am inspired to collect more stories such as hers as a way to further encourage and inspire young artists in the beginning so they'll know that there is much to look forward to at the end.

On a personal note just to check in. I remain well. I'm kicking my own derriere as I continue pounding the pavement with auditions. Don't worry. I'll write when I find work.

Got sleep?

I feel like New York can be a kind, generous and good friend. However, much like a good friend, New York sometimes gives advice and offers lessons that are a bit tough to swallow and sometimes not solicited. For example, yesterday I felt the painful sting of the cost of going to the bathroom at an audition when your number comes up. Pushed to end of the list, I was unable to be seen that day, and thereby I spent almost five hours waiting around for nothing. Ouch.

Tonight, I'm up late pondering all of my auditioning and trying to remind myself to be patient. More than ever, I'm realizing how much of this is out of my control. If I have such a great grasp on that concept, then why does my mind not let my body go to sleep? It's constantly running wondering what is going to happen at the next audition, or the next, or the next.

I would love to land a show in New York someday. I told my roommate today that I think that is exactly when my next wave of training will really begin. You see, to be in a show that would allow me to have many of my days free, I could focus on finally getting into acting classes and singing classes and work on continually bettering myself as a dancer. But it's one of those catch twenty-twos such as the old expression, "You have to have a job to get a job nowadays..." Well, I'm going to keep pushing. Harder than ever. Let me re-stress. I refuse to starve.

Who'd have thought it'd be so fun?!?

This past weekend, I traveled to DC to rehearse with one of my partners for one of the two Nutcrackers I will be doing this holiday season. I had the time of my life. I am enjoying the experience of getting back into "Cavalier Shape." It's strange. I'm putting quite a bit of pressure on myself to be as strong as I can be, but there's still a freedom that comes from having the opportunity to do this outside of the setting of my former company.

When I performed the role there, I had the wonderful honor of dancing with the most seasoned member of the company. I will always hold that experience close to me. However, now I'm making new memories. I feel that I am just continually turning the pages in my life's book, and each one holds something new and exciting.

I have two wonderful partners this holiday. I am lucky and inspired to make them both look as beautiful as I can. They don't need much help from me there, but I can sure try to enhance.

Note: If you are one who doesn't like to see smiles and joy when watching a pas de deux and thinks the man should be stoic and classically stern, don't watch my rendering.

It was good.

Last weekend's visit to Kansas City proved to be exactly what I needed. The company looks wonderful, my friends were welcoming and I was able to yet again solidify that I made the right decision for myself by "retiring." I found myself wondering if it would be as easy to watch my former company perform and remain sure of my decision as I am able to do when watching New York City Ballet, ABT or any other ballet company that I have gotten to see while in New York. I was worried that perhaps since those companies really held no part of my past, it is easier to watch them and not want to be up there, but if I saw the company I used to be a part of, I would be sad and miss it.

Not a chance.

I don't wish for this to come off as cold. I couldn't have more respect for my former company that gave me such a wonderful life for the past decade, but I am ever encouraged by the fact that I have moved on! It's so tough up here, and at times I have caught myself going, "Gee, do I miss having my old job with health insurance, a union contract that I helped put in place and a decent paycheck!" But what I now realize from that statement is that those things are all non-artistic. They aren't what comprise my love for what I have done or am attempting to do. I am flat out nervous about the fact that it's expensive to live up here and I don't have a performing job that I want yet, but that doesn't stop the fact that other than the friends I'm missing and my life and home in Kansas City, I have made the right move for myself. I must be doing something right because I've done something really stupid from a financial standpoint! I've left a job without having another one lined up! I must really be sure about things! Hoorah!

I can't help but think (and maybe I've said this before) about the stories I have heard about people being completely devastated after losing their job only to find out that it was the best thing to ever happen to them. It allowed them to find and realize their true passion. Ballet was and in some ways always will be a true passion of mine, but as an ever evolving human, it's time to find the next. I think I've found it. Now, let's make it pay! In the meantime, I'm going to keep pushing and be thankful for the opportunities I've had and connections I've made in less than six months of being in the city. Not too shabby. I'm extremely grateful.

Home again.

"I got to Kansas City on a Friday. By Saturday I'd learned a thing or two...." That song was going through my mind as I arrived in Kansas City last night. I am here to see the Fall season opening of my former company. It's wild to think that I've been now writing this blog for over a year. The things I have been through have been both remarkable and at times frightening. This weekend however is a celebration. I am here to support my friends and see first hand that life really does go on. I was completely calm as I drove my rental into the city. No regrets at all. I've moved on, but my memories are overall wonderful.

What an honor.

Tonight, Petrouchka closed at the Duke Theatre on 42nd Street after three well received performances. We hosted the largest crowds the Duke Theatre had ever seen for a single performance, and we sold out two out of three of our shows. I am thrilled that I had the chance to perform in a new and exciting piece. I hope that it opens doors for my director/choreographer who had put over nine years into the production. I can only imagine what a mix of emotions he must be feeling at the completion of this, his dream.

To me, NYMF makes a statement. To be chosen for the festival takes a great deal of determination and confidence. Some of these shows may be the great shows of tomorrow. Whether mine will or will not be is not important to me. Yes. I would love for it to transfer to something greater. I can't tell you how amazing that would be. However, the drive and commitment that everyone put into making this show possible taught me so much. It reminded me that art is still more than a paycheck. It is the chance to transport lives. I find that it is easy to lose sight of that, and I hope that I will continually be brought back to the reality of why it is that I do what I do. I love to dance/act/perform.

There it is. I accept it.