Since I promised to be honest about my feeling when I began this writing experiment, I cannot leave out my thoughts about my most recent rehearsal of my dear role, "Drosselmeyer." Please note that if you're new to reading this blog, I would advise you to search out the entries "Drosselmeyer Part I and II." It will help this make more sense.
Today, I experienced something new in rehearsal. I became jealous. I wasn't upset that I wasn't on the floor rehearsing as much as the other two, but I simply felt myself getting angry that I am going to have to let this part go. As I've said before, it's hard to think of being replaceable as we are as dancers (so to speak), and today, I felt that bitter truth sticking out its tongue at me.
It was hard this time to see the others get coached in front of me. I wasn't angry with them-just jealous of their experience. I don't really need the rehearsal-I'm set and confident. I simply had a moment where I wanted the part all to myself. How selfish I felt!
I took a deep breath. I allowed myself to embrace this frustration, and then I allowed myself to let it go. I allowed myself to remember that just because others are being coached differently is in no way a negative reflection on how I interpret the role. I allowed myself to remember why I have chosen to close this chapter of my career. Finally, I allowed myself to once again look at my colleagues with pride, respect and excitement for their chance to take a shot at this special character.
Almost as quickly as my insecurities sprang up, they subsided. I still have several performances with which to say goodbye to Dross and to allow myself to continue building my excitement for the future. I am thankful for the chance to have this frustrating moment and to be able to deal with it as I did. As I have moments of doubt or questioning such as this one where I wonder "Am I really doing the right thing," I get this funny visual in my mind's eye of one of those "Great Eight Ball" toys. It answers my question with "All signs point to YES."
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