Most everyone who knows me knows that I am a bit dramatic (I've confessed to this many times.) I have to be honest and say that my stupid fall during my performance last week has affected my mentality a bit. I psych myself out before I get onstage, and I actually have to remind myself that things will be okay. I've done the role a million times before.
I think the thing that may be bothering me the most is the fact that I watched the video of the mishap directly after it happened. Sometimes, ignorance is indeed bliss. I was not happy with the way I looked on the video (after the fall, of course.) Mind you, I give myself quite a bit of grace for being shaky having just eaten floor in front of everyone, but my ego is a little bruised by the way I felt I looked.
We are most definitely our harshest critics, and this will be so until the end of time. I have to say that I've always felt that I dance better on stage because I can't see what I look like without the mirror. I feel more free to simply dance and enjoy being myself. If there's one thing that I would encourage dancers to do, it would be to wait at least a little while before watching a performance of themselves. More often than not, it will never look as good as you remember it feeling, but with time, fortunately it won't look as bad either!
Never fear, there is so much more to my life than whether my toe-touches looked like glorified jumping jacks or not, so no one needs to worry about my mental health. Still, while I'm struggling with the normal issues of wondering if I still can cut it as a ballet dancer, watching the video did bug me. Tonight's performance was much better than the one I had after "the fall," so with my next two shows of this role, I hope to regain my confidence even more. Any way it goes, they're my last, so I'd better make them count! (no pressure...)