High in the air traveling back to Kansas City, I finally have some time to process the events of the last couple of days. The only thing I can say is “Wow. I did it. I’m doing it. Wow.” I had a dream as a little boy of someday and living in New York to pursue theatre. It was thwarted for almost two decades (and thankfully so) by another dream to become a professional ballet dancer. Now, as of a few hours ago, I saw the apartment that will be my home for at least the next year. I am going to be a resident of New York in two weeks.
I find it appalling that some people would have the audacity to crush the dreams of others. Somehow, I was born into a family where getting ahead wasn’t the name of the game, so success was able to be birthed. Let me explain. You see, when you don’t focus on being number one and killing the competition, something happens naturally. The universe makes it possible to succeed. Thereby, success comes at the time and level it is supposed to. Yes, there are those in life who are driven to “get ahead.” They will stop at nothing to win. This can be a great quality in some, but in most of the people I have known with this quality, one major thing is lacking. That is true happiness. At the end of the day, unless one is actually happy and grateful for their success, I don’t really call that being successful. Now of course, this is my own opinion.
Some who know me would say, “Matthew, who the heck are you to say this? You’re not happy all of the time,” and some would even go so far to say that often I seem downright miserable. That is very true. I struggle with the “get ahead” mentality. I am super competitive, and I always have been. However, I am learning more about my nature, and perhaps not booking any of the last few gigs I have auditioned for is meant to teach me something. Sure, much of that could be based on a slew of things-luck, timing, type, but I’m trying to find ways of studying the events in my life. This time, I’m using my rejections as a time to try to learn to be happy for the people who do/did land the jobs I was going for. Thereby, when it is finally my turn, I won’t simply take my success for granted.
So, I began by talking about stomping on dreams and then went off on a tangent (true to form,) but I do have a point. I need to make sure that I aim to spread the same support that I have almost always been given throughout my training and career to those around me. I am about to find myself in an interesting position. I’m going to be living with two other actors. While we are ALL in different areas and different types, I would be a fool not to acknowledge the risk of feeling jealous or competitive as we begin to have successes at different times. I’m gearing up now to make sure that I work to aid in the dreams of my roommates.
The last ten years really taught me a lot. I have much more to learn.
This blog was initially designed to chart my last year as a dancer. I feel that I have completed that goal. However, I have been encouraged to continue this blog into the next phase of my transition, and I think it could be interesting to do so. Thank you to all who have taken the time to read, respond and support me this year. I will continue to report and still strive to stay true to my first goal of not making a glorified “Facebook” status of my postings.