Serious Senioritis!

"Today, the minutes seem like hours, the hours go so slowly...." I feel that it's okay that I should quote a famous line from a famous musical. That is how the past two days have felt. I've felt that I have wanted to be anywhere but the studio. This doesn't mean I'm not grateful for my job, it simply means I'm ready for the end to be here. It's getting to the point of frustration. Where before I was able to grasp onto each last opportunity-whether I was going to be performing the part or not, as a chance to have one final taste of what I have loved, now I find it becoming increasingly difficult to remain focused. This is especially true for parts that I know I probably won't perform.

A friend made me feel better today about my attitude by explaining how it would be a bad thing if I wasn't feeling this itch to complete all of this and get out right now. That would mean that I was second guessing my decision. Well, I'm definitely not. Yes, I'd like my future plans to be a bit more solid, but oh well! That's not how life necessarily works! Thankfully, I only have two more work days this week!

What a birthday!

Let me preface this by saying that I am still committed to what I said in my first post about this blog NOT being a glorified "Facebook" status posting. I try to keep things on task as much as possible. So, that said, I will continue.

My birthday was incredible. Since I've already mentioned Facebook, I will add it to this. I awoke to a plethora of "Happy Birthday" wishes from all over the globe, and these stayed in a steady hourly stream as the day continued.

Most of these people are people I have met throughout my career dating back to the days when I was a young dance student. To me, this is a testament of the importance of having people in our lives and the need to get to know as many of them on as possible on as deep a level as possible. When I leave this field, I will cease to be a "ballet company dancer." But, I will continue to be me. The memories I have made and the people who I have touched and who have come to mean so much to me will remain. These are the people who will represent what I built during my career (and my life so far of course.)

I truly am a lucky man, and I don't take a single person for granted. I feel honored and humbled that so many people cared to reach out and send me a greeting today. I see each person as a reminder that I have a new stage to move onto. I have something better than a paying audience in front of me. I have the ultimate of all audiences-an audience of friends who love and support me and want to see me succeed. This is a group of people who watches-if only on birthdays and wants to know that I am alive and well. This is enough reason to keep striving to "perform" my best in my life. I don't see these people as "fans"-I am not so vain. I see them as icons. They are people that I want to impress by living a loving and successful life. They are people who may have met me by seeing me on stage, but they care enough to see me step off of it to. I want to keep people like this in my life. Indeed I do live a charmed life.

I'm on the right track.

Tonight I say "goodbye" to being 28 years old. Tomorrow is my birthday, and I have to say I'm looking forward to what this year will hold in store. Looking back at 28, I feel that it was a good year over all. I had some baubles here and there as is only natural, but I've had amazing opportunities both in both my personal and professional life. I'm glad I will be fulfilling my goal soon of moving to New York while I'm still in my twenties-barely, but hey, I'm doing it.

Having my birthday on the first day back to work isn't what I would choose, but at least the weather is supposed to be warm. I've decided to jump in with both feet and get through these last six weeks with as much joy and happiness that I can muster. SIX WEEKS are all that are left of my professional company life as a ballet dancer. Goodness gracious. It has flown. Six weeks is less time than I spent at the summer sessions I went to! Six weeks is nothing. So, I'm going to have to make it everything. Who knows what the future may bring, but it's time. Let's go KC Ballet, let's go.

A strange homecoming.

It has always been comforting to unlike my apartment door and be home after being out of town for any reason. Whether I was away on business or pleasure, it was always nice to be back in my own space. This evening, as I unlocked my door and walked in, I felt instantly different. It almost felt as if it wasn't my apartment. I would like it to say that it had something to do with the shock of having a lot of my furniture gone and the fact that I had somehow forgotten that over the three days away, but I don't think that is really the case.

I seem to be distancing myself from more than just my job without my realizing it. It is all going by so fast. It is unnerving to think that I don't know where I'm going to be come the beginning of May. I'll still be here in Kansas City, but I have to find a place to stay for a short while. That shouldn't be too difficult, but still, it's an eerie prospect. My life is changing, and I feel dreadfully behind.

I'm having a hard time motivating myself to get psyched to go back to work this week. I know that things will roll just fine and smoothly, but I'm not excited. I want to be excited. I don't want to look back and be bummed that I didn't cling to each moment, but I feel so fulfilled after the last show, that I almost feel that I am finished! Well, that's not the case, so I'll just have to get the energy and drive from somewhere. Well, I am an actor now, so perhaps I can "act" driven and hope that it becomes me.

And the winner is....

The Mrs. Missouri America pageant was a fun experience. Of course there were a few baubles, but over all, I think it went quiet well. I love being on stage as is well-known by this point, but it was so nice to vocalize AND be on stage!

I can't say that today "flew by"-it was actually quite long, and now I'm completely pooped. It was worth it though, because now I have a new skill to put on my resume. I hope I get to emcee something again sometime. I had a great time.

Now, I'll just wait by the phone to hear the results and find out if I'm going to have summer work in St. Louis in a couple of months. It's been nice to have something to keep my mind off of the waiting game, but now that the pageant is over-aaahhh!! In the words of the famous song, "God I hope I get it!!"

Time for bed. I may actually sleep tonight-well pass out from exhaustion.

A different stage.

I am happy to be back writing after several days off. Things are crazy, and I've been enjoying my break from the ballet. To be honest, I don't really want to go back. I do, but it just means that the end is REALLY near. Enough of that for now.

I am in Branson, Missouri to co-host the 2010 Mrs. Missouri pageant. Talk about something fun and different! I'll be up early tomorrow to rehearse all day with the contestants, and then, the competition will be that night. I'm not really having a lot of time to explore Branson, but I can say that it's quite an interesting place. Naturally, it's very touristy!

I enjoyed the drive here today. Driving through the farmlands of Missouri made me realize how tired I am of flat farm terrain. However, I was rewarded by the rolling "mountains" of the Ozark chain. They're still not the mountains that I'm used to, but they gave me hope of what is to come once I am again closer to mountains in the East. I love natural beauty!

Being here alone, I can see what it would be like to go around doing audition tours as many teachers do for their dance schools. It's a very lonely thing to be in a hotel by oneself. I'm not complaining at all though. I'm in a beautiful suite with a hot-tub and king sized bed! It's good to be the king!

Now, I am off to attend a talent competition. The winner will be performing in the pageant tomorrow.

And all that jazz.

Today I branched out yet again-but not too far, and I attended a theatre jazz class at the school I teach in. I had a blast moving in yet another way-one more akin to what I hope to be doing soon. I loved working in another vocabulary that wasn't so far off from what I already know (unlike tap,) and it was fun to work on picking things up quickly. That is something that always makes me a bit nervous. It was fun and challenging. With every class, I feel more and more comfortable and confident that I'm doing the right thing for myself.

Today, I also took myself to a movie. The film took place in Pittsburgh. That's not a city that I've ever been to, but it looked beautiful. More than anything though, it made me realize yet again how excited I am to get back to the East Coast. There's just something about it that I love. It's more than just the energy of the cities there. It's the landscaping, the architecture, the water! I have loved my time here in Kansas City, but I can't wait to be where I'm "from" so to speak. I was really tickled that a city that I have never visited and know nothing about could spark such excitement in me.

It's getting close to time!

A good day.

I enjoyed today. This past weekend it snowed again-right on the first day of Spring. Go figure, but today, it was beginning to feel warm and green. That is always good for the soul. A friend of a friend in my building looked at my apartment and filled out an application for taking over the lease. If that works out, I won't have to repaint my walls. That would be a huge load off my back.

I was back to work teaching this evening as Spring Break is now over. This also meant that I was back to my two Monday night tap classes-one with the little kiddos and then the second one with the adults. Sometimes, I actually feel more intimidated with the kids! I am happy to be now feeling a little more of the muscle memory building in me. It's feeling a little less foreign each time. Oh heavens do I have a long way to go though! I'll get there somehow.

Some cliche talks about how it "isn't about the destination, it's about the journey" or something such as that. Well, I've always been a fan of the destination when it comes to things that I'm behind others in. Oh well, I guess I can only go as fast as I can, so fortunately, I love a puzzle. Tap is one indeed for me!

It was a nice day overall.

The suspense!!!

Tomorrow is the day that the dancers' contracts are due back. This post is a follow up to the one where I wrote about feeling strange to not have a contract to do anything with. It really makes me feel like an outsider. I'm pretty numb to it though. I don't have a major emotional reaction one way or the other at this moment. I'm just anxious to get on with the season.

I'm enjoying having some time off still. I'm being fairly productive although not as much as I'd like to be. I'm sure everyone feels this way regardless of what they're working on.

This coming weekend I'll be heading to Branson, Missouri to co-host the Mrs. Missouri America pageant. That will be a fun and definitely different experience. I'm looking forward to taking to the stage in a new way.

I also have found out that I will be in Kansas City a bit longer now. I will stay until May 22 as I have been hired to perform in a gala for a local theatrical organization. I am excited about that, and I'm thrilled that I will make my rent in one night of performing! Now, to get a place to pay rent for......

Film.

I saw a movie today with a recently awarded Oscar winning actor, and I was inspired once more by a different kind of acting. What a skill it is to be able to portray life on film. On stage, I am always a caricature. Even in the most realistic and simple parts, as a ballet dancer, I am conveying a message through an unrealistic medium. As a musical theatre dancer/actor, it is the same because people don't spontaneously break into song in real life. Well, I do, but with the economic crisis, it became too expensive to keep my orchestra on salary.

Straight stage acting gets closer to realism sometimes, but movies such as the one I saw amaze me. For me it would be so hard to play a normal person. I don't always feel that I do so well in real life! To be able to go in and out of scenes, sometimes out of order even, is an incredible skill. Skills like this are things that I look forward to working on and learning more about developing in this next phase.

I love finding pockets of inspiration that are related to what I am doing now and transitioning into. For the current, it helps me be excited about finishing my last couple of months here, and for the future, it simply gets me jazzed up about what may be to come.

A look at the past.

Part of my contract here at the ballet is that I get to have excerpts of my dancing once I leave. Today, I began going through some of those videos and gathering material. I was pleasantly surprised by my work over the years! I am going to toot my own horn (as modestly as I can) for a moment. I didn't completely hate what I saw! It was especially fun to see my skill level back in the beginning of my career and then see how things evolved-for the good and not-so-good as the years went on. So much happens in ten years. As dancers, we are hyper critical of ourselves, but sometimes when enough time has past, it is possible to look at ourselves objectively and without that critical eye. I was able to do this today, and I felt proud of the work I had done-maybe even for the first time.

It was hard to remain unemotional as I perused the archives. Whether anyone likes it or not, I have left a small footprint on the history of the Kansas City Ballet. Looking at the videos, I was refreshed to see that my joy of what I do came out in my performance. Sometimes, I can act nonchalant about my level of passion for my art, but who am I kidding? I love it. Thank goodness is showed on video.

It is so cool to see not only myself but the other people in the company from years ago. There has been a lot of turn over as would be expected, but I loved looking at the recordings and thinking of how we're all preserved for good. I can always look back and say, "Wow! I really could move fast and jump high at one point in my life!"

I'm thankful that I will have at least a little bit of my work to look back on and have proof to myself that I did it. I made it happen. I pushed, and I succeeded. Lucky me.

Taking it all in.

I have begun taking notice of all of the many places around Kansas City that hold memories to me as I pass them. Today, I parked in front of the house in which I used to live. It gave me the idea of a new project-one that won't be too difficult. I'm going to take my video camera and drive around making sure I get videos of the places I have lived and any place that has meant something to me.

So many times we think that we will always be able to remember things that are monumental to us, but often we lose those memories as the years go by. Since I have made this my first home, I want to hold onto as many memories as I can, and I think that filming is an excellent way to do this.

Where I have lived has been every bit as important to me during my career here as the roles I have danced. I don't want to forget my home.

Git 'er done!

This two week break from the ballet is proving to be one full of productivity. I now have a living room where soon due to the lack of furniture, I will be able to offer ballet lessons. I've completed and sent off my taxes to the accountant. I've been diligently hitting the gym, and I will begin to compile my dance reel in the next couple of days.

In the midst of all of this productivity, I feel alone and a bit over my head. I know I am not. I still have my friends, but many of them are out of town at the moment. When I walked into my apartment tonight, there was no couch since I had sold it a few hours prior, and I had a wave of loneliness sweep over me. It is strange to think of how our memories can become intwined with the things we own. I could remember the many parties that have been thrown here. I could remember the heavy conversations I've had with my close friends sitting on the sofa laughing and crying-whichever the moment demanded.

As I retire, I am realizing that there are more things than just the ballet that are evaporating. I am retiring from an entire lifestyle here in Kansas City, and while I'm excited about the chance of a new life, I realize how rich the one I have created here has been.

Optimistic.

I'm back safe and sound in Kansas City after what turned out to be a successful weekend romp in St. Louis. I won't know if I booked any of the shows until two weeks from now, but I consider the audition experience to have been a positive one.

We began with re-learning the two combinations from yesterday. Then, only a handful of us were asked to remain on stage to learn a different section from "Damn Yankees." It was a more sensually stylized section, and it was fun. I had to learn quickly which is a good challenge for me. After that, we were all asked to sing. I was only a few people from the end, so it felt like an eternity before I finally made it to the stage.

Then, in the blink of an eye, my music was playing, and wait! Someone two people in front of me was singing the song I had chosen to sing. It's even a fairly uncommon one. I had to laugh about the situation. I'm sure it won't be the last time this happens. It also happened to two other guys. The only difference I can really see is that usually, in auditions you don't sing in front of all the auditionees. It went well however, and I felt good about it. I even did pretty well at the few little tap steps that we were asked to show after we sang.

After the audition was over and we were being taken away to be measured, I waved "thank you" to one of the choreographers who then came across the stage to where I was on the floor to shake my hand. He told me enthusiastically that he really enjoyed my work. I was and still am on cloud nine. That to me was enough to keep me staying even more positive. Now, I have to try to go on with life and wait to hear what happens.

I am happy that I had such a great time "performing." When we were learning the new section today, I thought about what a great opportunity it was to get to learn even small snippets of choreography from such great shows. I also thought as I watched and listened to everyone sing how amazing it is to see everyone's enthusiasm about this truly wonderful American tradition. As for the whole, "do theatre after retiring from ballet because you don't have to be as good" theory-it's time to wake up! I'm going to have to really work to stay in shape and be comparable to these young "kids." There were some really nice dancers. I have a renewed drive after seeing their enthusiasm. It was contagious.

When's the next audition?!? Let's go!

Callbacks

I'm in St. Louis, and I'm pleased to say that I made it past the first two cuts in the audition process today. The callbacks are tomorrow. There were so many men who showed up for the audition, so I feel very lucky to have already made it this far. We learned two combinations from two of the shows, "Cats" and "Damn Yankees." I had a blast performing those. Then, they made the first cut of men. I waited, and waited, and waited, and my name was called next to last. My heart was thumping!

When we were brought back in to sing, they told us that we would all be singing sixteen bars of the same song from one of the shows. They lined us up on stage and went down the line. Since I was number two, I had to sing second. They gave me a correction and asked me to sing again. That made me nervous for a second, but I decided to take it as a compliment because they didn't ask anyone else to sing again. We'll see if anything more comes from this adventure tomorrow!

The important thing is that I was once again able to enjoy myself. I was still shaking like a leaf, but I had fun. It was a completely humbling experience. Some of the people who were cut I felt intimidated by. I guess I'm continuing to learn first hand what everyone preaches: there is no way to know what people are looking for. I will just have to continue to go for it and give it my best. More to report on tomorrow....

Understudying.

I have been enjoying working on one of the ballets for the Spring show, even though I'm only an understudy. I usually hate this (necessary) task when it comes to my job, but in this situation I'm getting to do something that I haven't gotten to do in a while-work on my partnering. There is also a piece that we are all learning that is a pas de deux (dance for two,) and I'm having a good time working on the technical elements in that piece. Who knows? I may not get to partner again in this traditional framework.

Partnering was something that took me a long time to grasp. It has remained a challenge on some levels for my whole career, but I love it and consider myself to be a good partner. Like many things, it's a "use it or lose it" skill, and getting to work on some very basic but challenging elements here at the end of my road (so to speak) is quite refreshing. Considering the fact that I cried and ran out of my first partnering class, I've come a long way.

I can't help but send up yet another shout of thanks to my teacher Duncan Noble for always pushing me and promising that I would "eventually get it." I guess he was right. Thank goodness.

Update.

My soon to be roommate is visiting the city right now, and this morning will have a visit with someone regarding renting an apartment. We have been worried about the apartment issue-especially me. As it turns out, most of the agents he has called all say it's too early to really be looking-two months in advance is too early! Imagine that! They say that we will have no problem finding a place even as close as two weeks before we move.

This is extremely uplifting news to me! I am so much more relaxed now! Of course, things are going to be quite tight at first financially, but in my experience, those things have always seemed to have a way of working themselves out. I am encouraged to know that I probably won't have to sleep on the street or in my tent. Phew!

Well, this was a short posting, but that's where things lie for now!

St. Louis.

I am excited for this weekend, I will head to St. Louis, Missouri to audition for an extremely popular outdoor summer theatre. They are doing four great dance shows, and I'm thrilled to be able to make it across the state. It's a two day event-well, hopefully. The audition is on Saturday, and the call-backs are on Sunday. Either way, I have my car and hotel booked for both days, so I'll be having a little vacation to St. Louis! A friend of mine from the ballet is going with me, so we should have a fun time. It's nice to get away, but more than that, I get another chance to perform! Auditioning is fun! I'm going to keep saying that until I truly believe it! There's no need to fear it because I'm getting ready to jump into doing A LOT of them.

I've also been spending some time in tap classes. Tap is something that I have only begun working on in the last couple of years, and not very consistently at that. However, it is something that I need to be able to do, and fortunately, I enjoy it. It's a frustrating puzzle to me, but I'm determined to be as accomplished at it as I can be.

I took a class before I taught tonight and one after. To learn something later in life, one sometimes has to swallow ones pride. I'm used to being the tallest and oldest when I take students' classes, but in this case, the first class I took was consisted of kids eleven years old and perhaps younger. Oh well! I need the basics! The class after that was teen to adult, and it had a mixture of levels. Both classes were challenging. Hey, I'll keep doing it! It would be a shame not to be able to be hired for something simply because I was too proud to embarrass myself in front of kids when I had the opportunity to learn from great teachers. I also hope that by my being in class where the students can see me pushing myself to learn something that they are more experienced than their own teacher in, I will inspire them to continue learning throughout their lives. After all, you never really know who's watching.

Final countdown.

Last night, I attended my last Ballet Ball, and we did as we dancers always have-made it a fun occasion. However, the fact that this was "the last of a something" isn't actually what I am struck by this time. Instead, it is a realization that hit me during rehearsal earlier today. I have sixty-three days left of my professional ballet career with the Kansas City Ballet. That's just a little over two months.

How am I going to spend these days? I consider it a given that they're going to be the fastest days of my life so far. However, I think that nothing could seem to go by faster than the last ten years have. There are the obvious things I need to do such as repaint my apartment, fill in the holes I've made by hanging things in the walls, find a place to live in New York-you know, the little things, but there are also huge finales to be had. How am I going to demonstrate to the people around me here in the company how much I've appreciated them? Is there anything I can do? Knowing me, I'll think of something, but it's still so strange.

One thing to take into consideration is that just because this seems big to me-as it has to anyone who has retired before me-doesn't mean that it is or will be heavily noticed or understood by the majority of those around me, and that is as it should be. I've been there. You can never understand what "retiring" means to a person unless it is your turn to go through it. Up until then, even the most supportive person can only slightly sympathize with the emotions that the retiree is going through. I feel like I'm excited to go through this new door and be a part of a new "club." I have talked about how you can never really go back to the exclusive members only fraternity that is a ballet company once you decide to leave, but there is an equally exciting world beyond it which one can only earn through many years of dedication to the field.

My next objective is to spend these last two months preparing my mind and getting evermore excited about this new opportunity, and I hope to shed even more light on the subject to others through my daily discoveries.

KCB Audition 2010

Today is the Ballet's annual audition here in Kansas City. I stop to ponder again the weight that my leaving has on someone else's life that I probably have never even met. The ballet world is swamped more than ever right now with talented artists young and old vying for an extremely limited number of spots. Once upon a time, I was that dancer who was fortunate enough to get a spot in this company.

It is still my hope as I've said before that whoever comes in will be hungry and eager to not only dance and be successful, but that he will be a good fit for this company that I have called home. As a dancer, it was always bittersweet when someone would leave the company because while I grieved the loss of a co-worker, I looked forward with curiosity-and sometimes competitive dread-upon the next person who would come on.

I wonder what it will be like when my replacement is found? Doubt they'll ride a unicycle. Who knows?

Ballet Ball.

This weekend is the annual KC Ballet Ballet Ball. This is the large society-page fundraiser for the ballet. Tonight, I attended the pre-ball cocktail party, and it was a lovely event. It was held at the KC Royals stadium "Diamond Club," and I must say that even if the Royals tend to strike out as a team, they definitely have a lovely place to play! There was footage of the company dancing on the mega-tron. It was incredible.

What was moving to me were the people who spoke to me and thanked me for my work here over the past ten years. More than being praised for my performance which is always wonderful, don't get me wrong, I was touched by a lady who thanked me for always being kind to her children when they were in the school. I've had similar experiences with this before, but it is still nice to be reminded that I am leaving behind a good social legacy as well as an artistic one.

This made me think about a facet of the job I am leaving that I hadn't given any thought to. There is going to be a quiet void when I'm not around school kids on a daily basis. Of course, this could be nice some may say, but I realize at this moment, I have been in the halls of a ballet school for the last nineteen years. (almost) Whether as a student or a company member, I have listened to the roar of excited kids chattering for such a long time, and suddenly, that is going to be gone. It will be similar at the dance schools I attend in order to stay in shape in NY, but it will never be the same as being in my own "home." In a strange way, I'm going to miss the little rascals getting in my way and talking too loudly. I'm really going to miss seeing them look up to me. I'm honored if they were able to at all.

Great Scott!

The amount of things that are flying out the door of my apartment makes me aware of how quickly things accumulate. It makes me excited about trying to live a bit more simply. I guess I'll have to wait and see how long I can manage to keep that mindset. They say that the only way to cure oneself of being a "Pack-Rat" is to move. Hopefully I'll find "them" to be correct.

Tomorrow we start back at work. The rehearsal load is fairly light. We're mostly preparing for our Ballet Ball in which the company presents a little waltzy thing. I've loved my days off, and they've been pretty productive. I'm happy about going back to work, but I'm anxious to see the clock winding down.

I've been thrilled by the overwhelming support of people after the last series of shows. I was flattered by questions such as "Now, why are you retiring?!?" and "Are you sure you want to go?!?" This is exactly what I've always dreamed of-leave at the top of my game, well, at least while the audience thinks I still am! After all, it is their opinion of my dancing matters the most to me, and if they are still enjoying my performance, then my work is a success.

Craigslist.

So maybe I was a little too over zealous and freaked out about not getting things accomplished. Today, I took several pictures of items around my house and posted them online to sell. I was concerned that I wouldn't have time to get rid of everything. Well, evidently I am now the most popular person in Kansas City, because my phone wouldn't stop ringing today. Chances are I may spend the next two months sitting at my camping table and chairs. This would actually be quite appropriate considering these were my first pieces of furniture when I moved into my studio apartment ten years ago. How did we ever survive without the interweb?!?

I hope that things continue to sell because this would greatly help my New York nest egg! Fingers crossed!

Days off.

It's nice to have an extra day off this week. We have three days off after a performance run, and I think that is one of the best perks that we have! I'm afraid that it's time at last to stop procrastinating and begin getting some things accomplished for this move. I'm making a list and tomorrow, I will begin the awful task of going through my bedroom and majorly paring things down in order to start getting my closet organized. I feel that's a good place to begin.

I think that some of my behavior of late is due to the fact that I don't feel I've been very productive. Hopefully, getting some grunt work accomplished will make things feel a bit less daunting. Of course within all of this, I have to find time to work out, take voice, teach-oh and eat! Well, I rarely forget to eat.

I got a little bit of a second wind tonight because the restaurant I sing at on Monday nights in an "open mic" setting was relatively empty, so we used it as a time to work on songs without having to feel like it was a performance. The accompanist also expressed that she would be interested in putting together a show with me. I'm excited about that prospect-yet another thing to motivate and help me get more comfortable singing in front of people!

I received my newest business cards in the mail today, and I am happy with the design. There's a Gershwin song that says "Things are looking up," and I have that going through my head right now. Hopefully, this feeling will stick around.